loose change

good morning! writing to you from handlebar on canon perdido. i’ve got lots to write about today! i’ve been keeping a note this week:

last thursday, my day off, i walked g to the farmer’s market to grab some avos and pick up my bike, which i’d left at the straunt a week prior. as usual, i glanced at the flower stand checking for tuberose but not expecting to see any. i look for them because they remind me of childhood, of being at the farmer’s market with my mom, of warm pavement and summer strawberries and sticky hands sampling oranges. being in maine all summer meant i’d missed most of tuberose season, but lo and behold! there they were! looking like they’d seen finer days but smelling perfect nonetheless.

four dollars a stem, the guy told me. i’ll take three! i sorted through them, pretending i know which ones to choose. they’re the last of the season, he said. we only brought them cause a guy told us he’d buy them all, but we don’t know if he’s coming or not. his partner was on the phone next to him, pacing around. she asked me to give you three for ten. deal! can i take four? how much would i owe you then? he told me not to worry about it, take four.

he wrapped them and i put them in the bag with my avocados and heirloom tomatoes and strawberries. i walked to the restaurant to grab my bike and load everything into the basket, shoving my face into the blooms every four minutes. my coworker michi was at little dom’s with a friend and i stopped by her table to catch up–she asked to smell the tuberose and i passed them to her, watched as her eyes closed and her lungs filled up with sweet air. oh my God, she said. these are heavenly. they smell almost… maternal. exactly. i tossed and turned in my sleep that night, calmed only by the wafts of tuberose carried by the breeze through my open window.

the weekend prior had been the avocado festival, which was why my bike was at the restaurant–looking for parking during avo fest is a hopeless chore, but by the time i got off work it was misty and dark outside, so chloe gave me a ride home. avo fest was fun when i was a kid, when i was blind to how unlocal it was. our little sleepy town turns into something florida-esque, or venice-beachy, and our restaurant turns into a standing room for shot-takers and loud talkers.

at the same time, avo fest is great for local economy, and it’s great for running into dozens of people you’ve not seen in three months. good for those little small-talk catchups that evolve into empty plans to grab coffee or go for a walk. i worked friday and saturday during the day and sunday during the night. by 5p on sunday, the streets started emptying and vendors started cleaning up. i was standing outside when all of a sudden i heard miss ryder! and turned just in time to catch a little kid with a mohawk running into my arms. raf! raf was one of my students last year. world-class hugger. he threw his arms around my neck. i miss you so much! i told him. i miss you too! i gotta go! i’m with my friends mom! bye miss ryder!

i turned to my coworker with tears in my eyes and a huge smile. couldn’t even say anything! just put my hand to my heart. raf, bringer of joy.

the next note on my list is imparted wisdom from annie–we met up at satellite this past wednesday for a glass of wine and some soup and sisterhood. we talked about all kinds of things. we talked about our hard things and our happy things. i told her about my growing pains, the small-and-big obstacles i keep close to the chest. how sometimes it’s hard to do the things that are good for me, and easier to do things that feel good for me–usually these overlap, but that overlap requires a healthy relationship with dopamine, which i want to rebuild. everyone’s always going through something. annie understood what i was talking about without judgment. she said something that is so wise and so simple, so annie-like, that stuck with me. objects in motion stay in motion.

i know that i’ve had seasons of motion. i think that’s why annie’s words resonated so much–i perseverate over the question of what’s happened to me? there was a time i was swimming every day, i was working late hours and waking up early, i didn’t feel so guilty all the time. to be totally truthful, i bet i was feeling guilty then, too, but choose not to remember the ugly parts of that season.

nothing has happened to me. life has happened. it is always happening. i’m along for the ride, but have been too full of emotion to be in motion the way i used to. which–this is also something i could work on letting go of–it isn’t productive to be so focused on the return. it isn’t possible to return to an old version of myself, to achieve any level of who i used to be without moving back in time to that moment. there needs to be some version of me that’s new that i strive toward. i think this version must be ever-changing, also, adapting to whatever seasonal changes come next.

objects in motion stay in motion.

today i’m in motion.

after i dropped sanch off at the shop, i went to handlebar and sent out another resume and another cover letter, i wrote for an hour or so, i had a coffee and a pumpkin muffin.

my dad gave me a quick ride down to east beach, from where i began my journey back home. i was without music for the first few miles. the tide was just low enough to get around fernald point without getting the tops of my shoes wet. the marine layer was low enough that it felt like breathing in moisture. eventually i turned on an album by the steeldrivers–i’ve been so hooked on bluegrass hard since billy strings put out his latest album. steeldrivers make me think of katie mcgee.

then i talked to katie on the phone for the last hour of beach miles before turning inland and trekking up cravens lane toward home, making it back with just enough time to shower and bike to work. all in all it was a 9.1 mile journey! with lots of intro- and retrospection and observations.

circling back–the next note on my list was about claire, whom i was thinking about the other day when she sent me a subway poem:

let this be the healing/ & if not let it be.

following that–i stayed at austin and lauren’s this past weekend, watching their dogs while they were away. it’s strange for me now being in the neighborhood, especially in autumn. the west side smells like old versions of me. it represents a road i could have taken, a life i could have lived. a path i didn’t choose. there’s no need to think about it so seriously, but it’s hard not to be reflective in a place i once spent most nights in with a person i don’t speak to anymore.

i was feeling unwell on saturday–i called out of work that evening thinking i’d caught a stomach bug. i didn’t have much of an appetite but needed to eat, and s was coming into town for the evening before heading out again early sunday. i wanted something warm and gentle–i wanted broth–i wanted the tom yum soup from thai spice in the fifth street market in eugene.

i’ve made the mistake of ordering tom yum from multiple different thai places around the country with the hopes it will fill my senses and soul the way that thai spice’s does…to no avail! you never forget your first tom yum.

it had me thinking about Meals I Took For Granted–my favorite sandwich from metropulos deli, the shiitake confit from satellite wine bar (which annie and i were dismayed to see removed from the menu), spinach artichoke dip from agate alley, the BLTE with a soft yolk from hideaway bakery. there was a peach and tomato summer salad at annie and kev’s wedding that i definitely did not take for granted, but i’m sure i’ll never taste it again! a good meal–especially one in good company–fills my stomach and my cup so fully.

last but not least on my list: my interaction with ron. very early on tuesday, before dropping off the truck, i headed to st. joe’s to drop off a few more bags of stuff for thrift. i went before 7a because i knew they were open today at nine, and i had this secret urge to drop my things off in private, like it was an embarrassing thing to do.

when i pulled in the driveway they were already setting up the shop, and my buddy ron’s truck was parked out front. i was tugging a huge trash bag of stuff out of the truck when i heard, well young lady, where have YOU been?! ron was squinting at me through his round wire frames. hi, ron, i said. i was east! but i won’t be here for long–i’m moving in november! he shook his head. business has been Way Down since you left. what, did you get married, too, while you were out there?

it’s really sweet to have your absence noticed. i was so happy to see ron, especially because i can’t really go to st. joe’s thrift anymore or i’ll be tempted to buy my own stuff back. it’s important to be friends with your local thrift!

anyway, it’s thursday now–less of a monday piece but the principle is still there. tonight i am doing something extremely exciting and memorable, which is: returning to the kia forum for a tribute to robbie robertson, which is slated to include mavis staples, bobby weir, trey anastasio, eric clapton, nathaniel rateliff, van morrison, bruce hornsby, mike campbell, warren haynes, lucinda williams, and an elusive ‘& more’ at the bottom of the list. it’s produced by martin scorsese, which nobody is quite sure what the production will entail, but i’m thrilled nonetheless! i got my mom on board–it wasn’t a tough sell–so we’ll drive down today at about 2p when she’s done at school. ideally you’ll hear about it very soon, as next monday isn’t that far away!

this piece feels long and disjointed and fragmented, mostly because i wrote it over a series of days in different locations, but thank you for reading and have a lovely weekend! a full moon in libra tonight. i am trying to balance my worries with gratitude. i am thankful that i created this space to write, and sometimes i feel guilty about not writing about more Important things, not writing about the state of the world, not writing about the ambiguous political future. i think i read too much about these things to want to assign my own words to them at the moment. so i appreciate anyone who comes here to read about the Less Important Stuff.

sending love and warmth! xxo ryder