loose change

the first monday of march! i’m bundled up in the corner of my bed in my room with the lights turned off. today was my first day back at work full-time and all i wanted to do when it ended was crawl into a cave and think about nothing. i’ve marginally achieved the first half of that desire! the second half is unattainable.

i am much better than i was last monday, and i continuously have to remind myself of that to evade the feeling of defeat. i’m still not great. the challenge has evolved. the physical pain is becoming manageable, but my mental discourse is putting up a huge fight.

this injury really puts all of my weaknesses places to grow under a magnifying glass. all of the things i choose to cope with on a regular basis have become Really Big Obstacles in the course of recovery. i’m still applying the same pressure to perform the way i did before the accident, as though i still have the capacity to. i’m really hard on myself about feeling sad, or feeling badly–i fall into guilt a lot. i’m still apologizing for everything but now i’m apologizing twofold, since a lot of the apologies barrel their way out of my mouth when i’m trying to ask for help.

i don’t know why i feel this burden to apologize for my incapability when–and this has been EXTREMELY difficult to grasp–the accident was not my fault. trying to cement this came down to syntax for me. i had to look up the definitions of fault and accident just to make certain of my culpability. i still can’t let go of fault, and need to move forward from it entirely: it was a mistake, a freak accident, even if it was my fault there is no reason to fault myself for it. i’m going through enough already!

it’s this type of mental spiraling that is most detrimental to the healing process. i want, so badly, to able to say: i’m doing okay but i’m trying my best! i’m feeling optimistic, even though not a single day has progressed linearly. this is Really Fucking Hard, but i know i can get through it. i believe all of those things. but the story i’m telling myself is entirely different. there is a part of me that feels like i need to tell people i’m totally fine, and there’s a part of me that worries people will believe me when i say it. i’ve struggled with the blanket term “broken wrist”– bones break all the time! we slap a cast on them and they heal! there’s a part of me that hopes everyone knows that this wasn’t a simple break.

and there’s this part of me screaming it doesn’t fucking matter!!!!! nobody cares how traumatic the break was–they just care that i’m okay. i’m slowly trying to adapt that mindset. i am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who care deeply about my wellbeing. i’ve struggled to provide myself with the same love and care that i receive from my beautiful friends and boyfriend and family. it seems only fair that i meet them where they’re coming from. therapy is imminent!

and these people i just cannot overstate it–i’m astounded at the love that exists in my life. whenever he gives me a Big Compliment, sam will remind me how much i love him and how much i trust his judgment and he’ll say you just have to believe me! i just have to believe him! and i have to believe all of these other friends who have sustained me throughout. i was over the moon to receive a letter in the mail this week from claire (c-still penning my response, should be in the mail by thurs! love you immensely), william called me when i got off work today just to check in and take my mind off of things, my little dom’s family has been there to provide morale and a get-well-soon brownie, annie wrote me the kindest card and gifted me the most decadent bar of chocolate, hannah who calls with comic relief, julia and katie and john henry and claire who continue to text and check in, my coworkers at school who have covered me these two weeks without question, sam, who has provided daily affirmations and is extremely patient when i struggle to find silver linings. the list just goes on. there is a whole lot to be said for human connection, and for friends who help to carry you when you just can’t do it on your own.

in terms of Being Supported, i would be remiss not to mention my mom. we’ve lived together for such a large portion of my adulthood that i thought our relationship had begun to resemble more of a friendship or sisterhood–it has never been more clear to me that she is my mother. i don’t know that i’ve ever recognized the selflessness of motherhood as acutely as i do now. she has been to every appointment, written down every pill, made sure that i’ve been fed, refilled a countless number of camelbaks, comforted me through numerous panic attacks and meltdowns, driven me all over town, respected my space when i’ve needed to be alone, listened to me even when i’m in an ugly mood. the love there is unmistakeable and indescribable, and i have never felt luckier to have my mom.

my goal for the indefinite future is to acknowledge my privilege without beating myself over the head with it. it is a gigantic privilege to have a mom like mine, a community like mine, a privilege to access healthcare, a privilege to miss two weeks of work, a privilege to have a cozy bed to rest in. i am lucky it was my left arm and not my right, i’m lucky it was an arm and not a leg or a head, lucky it was just a broken bone, i’m lucky to hopefully get back 100% mobility, i’ll be lucky when i can play the guitar again. when i let this privilege or this luck consume me it gets dark. i feel guilty for feeling badly at all, because worse things have happened to better people. but that guilt doesn’t help anybody! gratitude is the obvious answer.

i am so proud not to have missed a monday throughout all of this. my goal of writing here every week seemed unachievable after that first weekend. i’m so glad i didn’t give it up. not only do these pieces bring me clarity, they bring me a sense of accomplishment, or reliability. i did what i set out to do. i’m honoring my commitment to myself. in the whole process of being kind to yourself, i’m finding it really helpful to have receipts.

and as per usual, this piece didn’t go at all how i’d expected it to! it’s much more optimistic and i’m so glad for that. i love the way that writing distances certain things. i love the clarity i receive when i’ve written something before i’ve parsed it out. the thought emerges onto the document before my brain has the chance to analyze it to shreds. so many of my thoughts are better unspoken, which is why i’m still sitting here typing with one hand instead of doing speech-to-text. it just feels more honest.

but it also takes twice as long, and requires the same amount of energy that two-hand typing does, so here is where i wrap it up. for the foreseeable future my writing will be shorter, and i’m okay with that–some is better than none. thank you for being interested. it is the craziest and coolest thing to know that your words are worth reading.

sending all my love and gratitude out! but this time i’m making sure i give a little to myself as well. xxo r