loose change

a new year! my fifth piece! what a lovely thing that this year begins on a monday. i want to start with a lucille clifton poem:

i am running into a new year

and the old years blow back

like a wind

that i catch in my hair

like strong fingers like

all my old promises and

it will be hard to let go

of what i said to myself

about myself

when i was sixteen and

twentysix and thirtysix

even thirtysix but

i am running into a new year

and i beg what i love and

i leave to forgive me

running into a new year! although it feels more like the new year ran full speed into us–these words really resonated with me. i’ve been carrying the intentions i set around the time of my birthday with me, and will continue to do so throughout this year, and i think the progress will be slow and difficult to notice day to day. it will be hard to let go of what i said to myself about myself. the more i practice being kind to myself the easier it is to call myself out when i slip up. initially in setting the intentions i completely forgot about trust–the idea of trusting oneself. i’m not totally sure i trust myself yet. building trust requires vulnerability! and communication! and kindness! and accountability. and all of these things kind of fall under the wheelhouse of things i think i deserve from myself this year.

all december i struggled to plan anything out. i think maybe a result of burnout, maybe just kind being in of a fugue state, and also constantly being surprised at how quickly time is passing. it took me a really long time to buy plane tickets to come east, and when i did, i didn’t really plan any of that either–i just kind of figured it would all work out. and it did! i wasn’t wed to any expectations of how this trip would go. i only focused on the fact that i was coming here to spend quality time with my friends whom i am so lucky to love and be loved by. i had a good gut feeling that things would fall into place.

and they did! they fell into place in such a way that nothing went according to plan, however loose the plan had been–and it was really beautiful. now it has me thinking a lot about plans and expectations. yesterday while skiing we were commending ourselves for being flex, for taking things as they come. we listened to ourselves and our own bodies to decide how we’d spend our time, and by the time we all got home and ate, we collectively decided to stay in, to abandon the party plan. there was nothing more i wanted to do on new year’s than just enjoy the company of these people in the warmth of a cozy apartment.

we loosely made an itinerary–drink making competition, the new year’s eve charlie brown special, writing our own toasts and reflecting upon our years together and apart, an interpretive dance party, a game of hygge, and finally, the release of any grievances we wanted to leave behind in 2023. we made our saucy/stale list for 2024:

SAUCY:

• alliteration
• being flex!
• walks & strolls (leisurely jaunts)
• being nice to yourself
• boundaries
• therapy
• letter writing
• hygge
• confidence
• dressing for occasions and for non-occasions
• outfit repeating
• intentional indulgence
• more friend time
• decisiveness
• alone time
• divorcing yourself from trends!
• head massages/hair play
• dancing

STALE:

• being inflex!
• obnoxious patterns (re: clothing/furniture/carpets)
• hangovers
• overindulgence
• therapy-speak
• fitness influencers (influencers in general..?)
• diet culture
• fully done makeup
• hiding your breakouts
• straws
• impulse spending
• being embarrassed
• fighting sleep

and we made our cocktails–isabella and i a whiskey sour, julia and katie a raspberry tequila cocktail–and watched an hour of peanuts specials, we selected our interpretive dance songs: sway by michael buble chosen by isabella (dark horse great interpretive song), chiquitita by abba chosen by juice, and mr. blue sky by ELO, chosen by katie and i as an homage to our high school interpretive dance parties. good god did it feel good to dance with these folks! just the safest and warmest and most cheerful way to set the mood before writing our toasts! *i’m adding dancing to our saucy list because of this!

at 11:50 pm we layered up: two pants, three shirts, two pairs of socks, one scarf, one hat, and one jacket–the wholeeeeee enchilada! we went downstairs with our toasts, a bottle of moon & star champagne, and a camera. we picked out three rocks each from katie’s front yard and walked through the empty streets of downtown wilmington to a bridge in the middle of town covered in white string lights. it was like the witching hour–there’s something about being in new england that makes everything feel so ghostly and historic sometimes. it felt like we were the only people in the world! we read our toasts and we hugged after each one; it was the most beautiful thing to share these reflections and aspirations and once we’d all shared julia popped the champagne! and after a couple of passes we each found a spot on the bridge and we took a moment and we took deep breaths and then we hucked our rocks as hard as we could into the river below. we crossed the bridge into the new year and headed back up to the apartment where we got into our pajamas and brushed our teeth and said our love yous and went to bed.

the end of my toast is as follows:

to end the new year in this way is a gift i don’t know that i’ll fully be able to recognize until years down the road. if there’s one thing about life i know to be true it’s that friendship is important! and i feel like the luckiest person on the planet each time i fly across the country and get to be in the presence of you all. this year brought a lot of lessons and reflections, most of which i’ll relearn again and again and again in the next twelve months. there are things that i’m proud of and things that i never want to think about again. but all day today it feels like none of it has mattered. there’s absolutely nothing like the catharsis of just being able to laugh with the dearest of friends and comrades. thank you all with everything i’ve got for turning over the year with me. i love you so much–i don’t have words!

it was all so perfect. we couldn’t have pre-planned a better night if we tried. and what a way to say goodbye to 2023, possibly the least planned year of my entire life, and possibly one of the best. this isn’t all to say that plans are worthless–plans are fun! and it’s good to have things to look forward to. but it’s nice to remove pressure from your expectations, and it’s nice to be spontaneous.

i feel excited! and proud of the little community i’ve got around me all over this country. and extremely thankful to my parents for giving me roots on the east. and happy to have written a fifth piece! what a feat for me! until next monday –xxox R