loose change

writing from the couch in our new home! on the first day of my 26th year. time is slowing to a comfortable pace as we settle into this new space. sam is next to me in a zoom meeting for work. i’m obsessed with the coziness of our house, which feels even nicer after spending the day deep cleaning and nesting.

there are so many things i love about this place already. i love our fridge, with all of the word magnets we use to write little fridge door poems. i love the drive home, away from civilization and past the reservoir and up the driveway past the horses. i love the gas stove and the chair next to it that looks out onto rolling hills and big sky. i love the chickens that want to know what’s going on in here and stop at the window to see every afternoon. i love the process of settling in.

i’m feeling one million things at all times, probably similarly to anyone else who’s found themselves staring down the barrel of the holiday season, and the new year, and an uncertain future. my challenge these past weeks has been to slow down. i want to attend to all of life’s small details without losing sight of the big picture, which is maybe impossible. there is a separation between my future and our collective future. i don’t want to speculate too much about the latter, but i’m excited about the future that is within my control!

i’ve approached unemployment as though it’s the first time i’ve been out of work in fifty years, which hasn’t been good for morale. prior to getting out on the mountain, i felt like the laziest, most sloth human being alive. that unemployment was not for lack of trying–i finally did land a job–but it wore on my conscience. the good news is that although it’s slow to start, my job at the brewery has introduced me to a really special local community. i can’t believe how fortunate i am to be included. the other good news is that i finally got on skis, which has provided an entirely new daily schedule and mindset.

yesterday was only my fourth day on skis–my first skiing with sammy–and i’d spent the first three finding my footing, beginning to challenge myself a little bit in the hours i’m alone. the ROI on doing things that frighten me is high enough that i’m surprising myself on snow, quieting my risk aversion and reinforcing my confidence. being able to spend my jobless mornings skiing has completely shifted my perspective from guilt to gratitude.

i’m navigating the unfamiliarity of being away from home indefinitely. i feel so grounded here after only a month, which isn’t to say it hasn’t been hard–more to say that i feel like i’m exactly where i need to be. any time i’ve moved away in the past has come with a finite end date: end of summer, high school graduation, winter breaks, college graduation. now i’m on a choose your own adventure. i miss my family, and my parents, and there’s a part of me that feels guilty for leaving. but i’m so happy here, and i’m proud of the leap we made, and i’m thankful to be supported in that. at worst, i feel almost evil for leaving, especially during the holidays. at best, i feel like it’s one of the best decisions i’ve ever made. it’s a crazy spectrum of feelings that i’m never sure what to do with.

yesterday was a day made out of dreams–cinnamon rolls and skiing and beer and ramen and chicken wings and cake and lots of birthday candles! we kept it simple and wow was that effective. i went to bed feeling excited and warm and cozy and loved. watching sam ski unlocked some deep level of gratitude and admiration in me that hadn’t been reached yet–it was a pinnacle moment of watching the person you love do what they love.

things are constantly developing. whenever i feel too unaccomplished or small, i forecast what i’ll be doing a month from now and feel better. more and more now, i wake up with the feeling that things are going to work out, that it’s going to be a good day. today is a clean slate for monday pieces! if i can get one up next monday and the monday after that i think we’ll be in business–it takes 21 days to form a habit and i’ll narrow that down to three mondays in my favor. hoping for 52 pieces this year but not wedded to that! i’m reminding myself of how clunky and hard it was to write the first three last year. i’ve come far since then! thank god for learning!

until next week, thank you for reading– r xxo