loose change

happy monday!

i’ve almost just sent this text: inspiration for today’s monday piece is hard to come by!

i didn’t send it because after drafting it i realized i’d not tried to really write yet & maybe the act of doing so will move me brightly! i’m sitting at sunburst. it’s warm today. the eclipse hit its maximum for us–55% moon, 45% sun–at 11:11 today.

the kids were pretty floored to see the sun with a bite out of it. a lot of tiny woahhhhhhs from the group. my favorite part of eclipses are the shadows cast beneath trees. i wish it lasted longer. i read today that earth is the only planet we’ve studied that experiences total eclipses, due to the perfect distance and relative size of our moon. apparently a one in a trillion chance! or something like that.

we watched a video this morning that explained how edmond halley predicted an eclipse for the First Time in 1715 using a series of gigantic charts and tables. this kind of knowledge is very abstract to me. sometimes when i speak to Very Smart People with very fine-tuned brains i understand more why people turn to religion to explain uncanny circumstances. imagine looking up at the sky in 1715 and pretending to understand what’s it’s all about. and halley wasn’t pretending! i don’t know what i would do if my brain operated at such a caliber.

i’m trying to be less judgmental. i did something horrific a few weeks ago. i posited this question that my ex would always ask me. i fucking hated talking about this topic with him, and we always disagreed, and it always led to some kind of conflict. i don’t know why i even brought it up. maybe i was a little nervous. i lost control of my mouth. i heard myself saying something i felt was so vile! i heard myself sounding exactly like him. it was extremely uncomfortable but for some reason i couldn’t walk it back. i get kind of sweaty when i think about it. i’m pretty ashamed. i only lose control of my words when i jump to conclusions, which is also something i’m trying to do less of. it’s so easy to want to say the right thing so badly. maybe i get lost in what that thing is and start to speak for other people instead of for myself.

last week i met with my boss to broach the topic of next year, the potential move, and the (probable) shift in career. i think i’ve got the privilege of working for one of the greatest educators of all time. i tear up every time i think about my evolving relationship with mr. reed. for eight years, from preschool until sixth grade, the first thing i did every morning at school was shake his hand and say good morning, mr. reed. it feels incredibly symbolic that he helped me begin a career in education.

he was so supportive of the beginnings of this plan to move away from santa barbara. young people always get caught up between the right decision and the wrong one, he said, when most times there is no wrong decision. the only wrong decision would be making no intentional choice at all. he responded so wisely and so kindly. i left his office with a weight lifted and with a future that felt more concrete. that conversation finally allowed me to believe it’s all really happening.

my biggest hangup (in terms of everything) at present is procrastinating. it’s been terrible. getting my tire fixed, doing my laundry, cleaning out my car, tending to the scar on my wrist, journaling, even eating. it’s not great for morale. and we’re really getting down to the wire–tax day is coming! and parent-teacher conferences, and our spring class play, and an imminent send-off to maine for the summer.

here is what i know will happen:

– i will do my taxes and it will not be very painful at all. this is my first year FINALLY filing in one state and one state only and i think it will be a very pleasant awakening!

-i will do my laundry before sam comes next week and it will be remotely painful and probably tiring (lifting things hurts) but it will feel incredible to have it done

-eventually i will get my tire fixed and ideally on the same day i’ll go to the dump drop off the gross couch that my mom left in the back of my truck last summer

-i’ll drop a bunch of things off at the thrift this weekend (hopefully with evan’s help)

-i will continue to get very frustrated with my ability to do some things but not most, and my hand will continue to improve by the day even though it still feels very very wrong, like somebody else’s hand has been glued onto my wrist at a funny angle. i will become stronger

-i will fail to do things that i originally intended to! i will procrastinate a little bit more! maybe i won’t be a bitch to myself about it

in OTHER news, i became famous this weekend: our friends who have this instagram account (semi-famous) posted kind of a humorous video about old people & the pluralization of everything (re: establishments, mostly) and i commented and informed everybody that my grandmother is Just Different. she refuses to call trader joe’s anything but trader joe. i told sam i was starting to get a couple of likes (13) and informed him i was halfway to famous! now it has two-thousand-something likes and it’s absurd to me. i finally stopped updating sam on it because i don’t want him to think that the fame has changed me.

this week we are amidst california state standardized testing. it has me thinking a lot about “universal” merits of knowledge, and the national decline of intellect. i’m really lucky to teach at a private school, and i’m really lucky to teach first grade.

i’m happy to have written! i don’t feel good or bad about it. it was kind of difficult to conjure up what to write. i must leave my table now, since i’m one person sitting at a four-top, and it’s starting to get crowded–thank you for reading! the beginning of the middle of april! huge for people who love summer. scary for people who are turning 26 this year. awful for people who’ve not done their taxes yet!!!!!!

all my love and well wishes!!!!!!!!!! forgive me for any dullness xxo r