loose change

writing my monday piece on sunday for the first time! because i had the time, and it’s sunday evening, and i have a vague idea of at least one thing i want to write about, and tomorrow’s gonna be a busier one.

and now i’ve been sitting here for 40 minutes and written only those two sentences! i decided to come to little dom’s after taking G for a walk at the beach–i wanted to be out and in natural fashion i got caught up talking to my coworkers and THEN chance and katie happened to walk by on their evening stroll–they just moved back to carp and are living super close to town so we had a lovely chat. then i made woody come out to see if i could order something off-menu and NOW here we are!

one thing that i’ve definitely wanted to make note of is this song by jackson browne from saturate before using: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKRQwD163Xs. i’ve been listening to it pretty non-stop since getting back from big bear. it’s one of maybe five or six jackson songs that i don’t recall from childhood, but that i’ve fallen in love with as an adult. i’m drawn to it mainly for the lyrics, but i think in large part what keeps me returning is the composition–he retains the percussion until the very last verse, which makes it feel like you’ve surmounted something by the time you reach it. immediately the only other song i thought of that achieves this (though i’m sure there are countless others) was scott street by phoebe bridgers, where she withholds drums until about two thirds of the way through the song. it’s ingenious because she holds them until the lyrics i asked you how is playing drums, and marshall comes in on them right then. the greatest thing about both of these pieces is that there’s nothing lacking without the drums. they’re so well-written that i only notice the absence of percussion when the drums come in, and then it becomes this genius revelatory moment of musical indulgence.

i think i was first introduced to phoebe bridgers in 2017 through my discover playlist. funeral came out when i was a freshman at oregon, during one of the most isolating periods of my life, and i pretty instantly felt drawn to her writing. i remember looking her up and finding a pitchfork interview; when they asked about her musical inspirations she listed jackson browne. ever since reading that i’ve held onto it and found little intricacies within her music that i just know can be attributed to him. it’s like i’m carrying a little secret around with me. i love the way that music speaks about people. whenever i meet another human with an affinity for certain songwriting i feel like i’ve met somebody i can understand and be understood by.

this song, looking into you, is an homage to a past life, and a reconciliation of a current one. it describes a moment i experienced so acutely in eugene this past may: a drive-by of a house i used to live in, and the impossible emotions that come with change. the desire to relive or to understand an old self compounded with the knowledge that you’ll never be as you were then again. the human nature of Trying To Understand anyway. and he iterates all of these feelings while at the same time using phrases like my embattled illusions and still every word lands. it’s magic to me!

but it’s also a song about love, in the brain-breaking sense of the feeling. he resolves it with a reflection on beauty that evades words, that evades music. the love i’ve experienced this year has resulted in this new feeling that language would not suffice in capturing a feeling, and i think about that every time i reach the final verse. i could say something about every single second of this song and i’m refraining but i just wanted to leave these lyrics here:

Well we spoke of the changes
That would find us farther on
And it left me so warm and so high
But as I stepped back outside
To the grey morning sun
I heard that highway whisper and sigh
Are you ready to fly

the SECOND thing i wanted to document was this perfect moment that i shared this week with kolby:

it was friday and i’d just finished sending the kids home and was planning to go swim, but was feeling kind of antsy and unsure of what to do, so i decided to swing by 500 maple and just stop in and say hi and find my footing a little. i caught kolby as he was going on his own being-restless-in-a-small-town-walkabout and parked the car and joined him in the endeavor! and we walked and talked about all things great and small, namely love and the future, and we wound up revisiting a topic i mentioned a few weeks ago–the whole miracle business, the magic that life provides those who are eyes-open and ready to receive it.

it went like this: i said something like, i’ve been thinking about what you said last time i left maple, how magical things happen for people like us, and i think i’m gonna try to ride that out as long as i can, and kolby said something like, it’s true! and he held up his miracle finger, and we were walking along like that, kolby’s finger in the air looking for a miracle, and no less than five feet along the sidewalk his finger is pointing at a five dollar bill on the ground. the timing was so immaculate that for a minute i thought kolby had taken the bill out of his pocket and put it on the ground to really hit our point home, but it was really just a true miracle: a free agent five dollar bill. he handed it to me and said here, you take this, and i said wait, it isn’t yours?

we swiveled our heads trying to find the source and there was an older woman on the phone about fifteen feet behind us. we waved the bill around and pointed at it and mouthed IS THIS YOURS?! and she was confused and held up all five fingers, pointed at them with the hand she was using to talk on the phone, and mouthed IS IT FIVE? and we said YES! and we went to return her five dollar bill and i was in stitches at this point, still, over the odds of our miracle five dollar bill and the comedic timing of life and we handed it back to her and she said you guys don’t need it? and she seemed so taken aback by my fit of laughter and by the return of her five dollar bill. it felt even better to return this miracle-five-dollar-bill than it did to have stumbled upon it. and it felt extremely vindicating: good things happen to people like us because we try our best to be good people.

the kids really got ahead of me this week. i just didn’t have the capacity to keep up with their energy. i slipped into comparative thinking and felt like i wasn’t providing them with enough supplemental or scheduled activities. i try to remind myself that they are at the very least safe, and happy, and comfortable in our classroom, and that that’s more than a lot of kids in our country can ask for. i try to remind myself that the kids aren’t the only ones on a steep learning curve. i wonder often if i’ll miss teaching next year, should i choose not to remain in it. i’m certain that i will. at the same time–in terms of career–teaching is terrifying. i don’t think that people outside of academia are able to recognize this in real time. we are in such an unprecedented era of anti-education.

i talked to our friend emily the other night who teaches at the high school. she has kids who cannot complete the homework because they simply cannot read. and, like thousands of other teachers across the country, she is advised to pass them, to let them fly under the radar until they become Somebody Else’s Problem. we are stripping younger generations of power and knowledge at what will be an alarmingly high cost. it feels heroic to be involved in sustaining education in the same way it is to be an environmental activist. you run the risk of waking up every morning knowing that you’re fighting the losing battle, or you convince yourself that the difference you’re making is important enough to continue the work. i don’t know which side i’m on. i think it’s both at once, all the time.

i’ve been thinking about the future a lot lately, and talking about it, too. annie mentioned today that there are opportunities to teach and to impart wisdom in all fields of work. it’s true–anyone can teach anything if they care about it enough. every time i check in with myself i’m a little less worried about the uncertainty of my future. i’m starting to become more comfortable with trial-and-error techniques. i’ve been reminding myself about the amount of things i’ve tried that i’ve really bombed, and how that number pales in comparison to the things i’ve tried that have gone really well. and i’m reminding myself that i always have a place to which i can return if everything goes to shit, which feels really good as well.

i spent the large part of the day today on kev and annie’s couch. about two hours into our quality time i’d realized that it’d been two hours! and i stuck around for about two more after that. it’s funny how much changes and how much stays the same between engagement and marriage. annie and i are finally becoming some form of semi-legal sisters (step-sister-in-law kind of situation but we’ll omit all unnecessary words and just call it what it is) and although nothing about our dynamic changes, it feels different in a good way, just in a way that we’re family now. it’s taken me a really long time to get used to family expanding. i was pretty rigid toward the prospect of a new family when my parents got divorced. i distinctly remember writing a piece in college about how the word family meant nothing to me, had no static definition, and i remember how that felt–i think i followed it up by talking about my chosen family of friends. i wish i could remember where i put that writing. it’s really nice to feel differently about it now, to embrace both given and chosen families.

anyway we talked about all sorts of things! and i was amazed at our ability to just exist in the same space for so long and just talk. i cannot pretend to understand why or how we were all put on this planet but i really think we are born to find and create connection within our worlds. we talked a good bit about the five year plan, and how none of our good friends under the age of thirty actually have one. we talked about adulthood and aging and childhood and reflection. i left feeling so thankful for this human i get to be friends with–now family with–whom i likely never would have known had my parents’ marriage not dissolved.

i’ve been thinking about the burnt toast theory a lot lately. it aligns with the magical thinking kolby and i are practicing. it’s just the idea that if you burn your toast in the morning and it costs you an extra 5-10 minutes to get out of the house before work, that it could be the universe looking out for you, saving you from some fatal accident or disaster or a bad time. in reality it’s just another way to find the silver lining. s was supposed to drive up tonight but he stayed on the mountain and maybe it could be a great thing! although i do miss him tremendously and cannot wait to make breakfast together again.

i’m wrapping this up (it’s now monday) at summerland beach. the rain has cleared out and it’s a beautiful evening; the clouds are hanging in patches over the mountains and everything smells green. i drove home from boxing into a wall of yellow light reflecting the sun. i love this place so much when it rains.

the dumbest thing happened this morning–last night i’d set my alarm for 6:47a, and this morning it when it went off it was pitch black outside. i couldn’t even tell if it was still raining. i was also tired–like stinging eyes, warm forehead kind of tired–and i went to bed on the later side last night (i’ve started rewatching gossip girl for the thrill of it) and i was so perplexed at how dark it was. i thought wow, it must be really stormy out–normally the sun rises around 7, and it’s light out by six thirty–UGH i was so confused and then i went to check the weather app–my boyfriend will vilify me for this i used the regular old iPhone weather app–and it said the sun hadn’t risen yet. so i went to check my clock and it was on phoenix time. so i woke up at five forty seven!! and it took me about 20 minutes to figure that out and by the time i did it was 6:13 and i was already awake and i got myself up and i got ready real slowly and went to get a coffee from brass bird and meant to pay with my gift card but accidentally paid with my credit card and then i went to school. i bought a blueberry muffin this morning. HUGE development occurring in the selection of a fruit pastry over a chocolate one. it’s kind of disembodying to me but i’m following my gut!

when it rains at school the kids are mostly stuck inside. emotions run a little higher and energy is a lot less predictable. we didn’t have morning assembly today and instead, i played them a couple of pink panther cartoons. it’s so insanely charming to me that every time i turn on the TV now they say she’s gonna play charlie brown! or can we do a pink panther?! and every time an episode ends they say another! another! it’s like i’m reliving my childhood through their eyes. i only had four students today because three were out sick, and we got through the day really slowly. it doesn’t make sense to continue full steam ahead on lessons when half the group will have to make it up later.

i love hearing kids lie to seem cool. it’s so cute to me that they will so confidently boast mistruths in order to impress their peers. two of mine today were commentating the pink panther episodes we watched–i’ve seen this one a million times! … wait what?! oh me too… is this the one where the you-know-what goes to you-know-where? … well i guess you’ll just have to find out! i already KNOW what happens! … well so do i! they’re making up the tiniest tall tales just for the sake of it! and the way they say things sometimes… it’s almost like it isn’t about peer approval but more about the way they personally feel like they’re coming across. it doesn’t really matter if anyone believes them, it’s more about how strong they can appear to themselves. the pink panther performed 4 cartoon backflips today and one of them shrugged and said well, he’s better than me… i can just do one backflip. not true! but not the most egregious lie he could’ve told. it’s endearing.

i feel like i’m meandering all over the place but not finding a stopping point–the piece keeps expanding! i was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of TWO long distance phone calls tonight, both from the east coast, both from old and dear friends. one was a call to catch up, one was a call from a tough spot. both reminded me again of the importance of friendship, and how easy it is to answer the phone.

this is the first monday i’ve felt like i’m starting to achieve the goal i set in trying to know myself better. every week of writing i feel like i arrive at the same conclusions in new ways: friendship is important, 25 is young, taking things as they come feels great, letting go is still weird and hard, and from a position of privilege, wellbeing is a choice–i won’t let my meat loaf, i’m keeping my stick on the ice, every week i feel a little more like i really am giving it my best. nostalgia ramps up with every year i age, but the constant changing nature of life makes room for New Things That I Love In This Season that i’ll one day yearn for again. i feel more optimistic now, and i don’t know exactly what the root of that optimism is, and i don’t feel a dire need to figure it out.

i finished this piece up in front of the heater on the floor of my mom’s room. i have a sick propensity for heat. nothing soothes me the way that a hot shower does; i gravitate few places the way i naturally do toward an electric heater. my favorite position to assume in that kind of warmth is with my ass on the floor and my arms hugging my knees. there was a time when i couldn’t really hug my whole body like that–i actually distinctly remember how it felt to finally hug my knees to my chest–and it’s the most insulating feeling. in high school i remember being so fixated on this quote i must’ve seen on tumblr or instagram: love your body the way your mama loved your baby feet. i was so drawn to the sentiment. love your body without condition. love your body as though it’s the most miraculous and precious thing in the world. love your body as though you were put on the planet to do so–to take care of this one thing that you’ve sustained. and to love in this context means so much more than just to take care of. it means to cherish it, to nurture it, to appreciate it. it’s a good phrase to remember.

what a fucking behemoth of a monday piece! i’m so glad to have had so much to report this week. i’m sure this could’ve been whittled down if i’d been routinely writing things down in my journal, but i don’t mind. my eighth piece! i’m so thrilled! and as always, if you’ve skimmed or god forbid READ this far, you have my perennial gratitude. it’s been really fucking cool the way people have reacted to hearing that i’ve got a blog, or hearing that i’m holding myself to these weekly pieces, regardless of whether the pieces are being read or not. it’s cool when people care about your progress. and it’s a good practice to tell people that i write, even if i don’t know if i’ll ever feel like a real writer. the jury is out on criteria for Being A Writer. but i definitely fit the bill of One Who Writes!

i can’t wait for next week! gratitude abound! love is real! and you know what they say about love and the dream…

keep on keepin on folks! life is getting stranger by the day! love will see us through!