loose change

monday piece #3! this week went by quickly. i didn’t do any cumulative writing throughout the week with this piece in mind although i did do a fair bit of pen-to-paper documenting–the keeping of records sustains!

now that it’s the eighteenth the holidays are really encroaching. i’ve still got loads of christmas shopping to do, and very few ideas in that realm–i’m not sure why my gift-giving energy is so low this year but am hoping inspiration strikes within this new week. christmas break is much busier than i had been anticipating and started off strong with a trip to la for wedding dress shopping with annie and now some quality time in big bear during sam’s days off. it’s currently monday at 1:42 in the afternoon and we’ve spent most of the day lounging around and checking the boxes of our usual sunday routine: morning cooking & conversation -> gourmet breakfast sandos (today’s featuring a homemade garlic butter from last night) -> crossword -> cuddle puddle -> journal session and today’s journal session will be followed up by some good old fashioned outdoor time spent walking around the lake. overall an extremely pacific day!

some things that came up this week:

i kept forgetting to eat/nourish myself. i think that being kind to myself requires a lot of brain energy. i think also that teaching first grade requires a lot of mental and physical energy and also time–we really hit the ground running in the morning and so the last thing i’m thinking about is when and what to eat. i’ve not been great at making myself lunches every day, which is also a factor.

i had some really successful meditations and felt myself very drawn to the activity–on wednesday when i realized i wouldn’t have the time to take space between school and the staff Christmas party i was so disappointed! it feels good to be able to recognize meditation as beneficial even though i cannot really tell what goes on in my body while i’m practicing.

i also got out of the house a bunch this week, getting together with friends or family or coworkers or just going out to write by myself, and felt very fulfilled by this. i can get so stuck in the habit of staying in that going out feels more tiresome, but this week was an important reminder that social interaction can recharge and refuel. i stayed really late after getting off at work on friday just to hang out, which i used to do all of the time.

i’ve been wanting to pick up again this piece on time that i began working on back in august, a more serious piece of writing that takes a little bit of boldness to revisit. i’m still unsure of what the intention of the work is, but i’ve been thinking about time a lot lately again, and wanting to reckon with it.

music has been tough this week and this whole month–i’m not sure why i’ve been in a slump, not listening to as much music per day and not discovering new songs i feel connected to. i wonder if this will change now that i have time away from work, and lots of time to travel. i’m worried that travel will be unbearable if i don’t have music i truly feel invested in and uplifted by! what a privileged concern to carry.

i wish i’d been more pensive in terms of what to write this week. everything on this page feels rather self-invested and anti-inquisitive. in alignment with being kinder to myself, i’d also like to de-center myself from my own narrative a bit more. i think it’s been proven that people who spend less time thinking about themselves are generally more content. i feel like my brain moves so quickly in december as compared to the slog of february or the warmth of august. the imminence of the end of a year demands resolutions, which forces the brain into a kind of black and white thinking pattern. i don’t think anybody tries to fall into that mode, but it’s difficult not to. there’s so much going on in everybody’s lives, as well as this end of year stigma that something is over.

in terms of setting intentions for the coming week, i think i would like to keep better track of small daily sentiments so that i can reflect more accurately come next monday, piece #4. i also want to get outside more frequently, and move my body around more. maybe dance a little bit more. not a ton else. i want to make it through the week! this year feels vastly different than years prior in terms of stress levels–they’re lower–but i’m wondering what’s going to arise this week in terms of residual holiday emotions. we still don’t have a tree at home yet. there’s a lot to unpack there, especially given the fact that a large part of my holiday indulgence will be spent apart from my childhood home and my mother. i just think that the ice around christmas is especially thin this year, and i wonder what will come up. i hope i can maintain the space and the presence of mind to give grace to whatever does.

i wouldn’t say i’m necessarily proud of what has been written here! at best i can feel neutral toward it and be glad i wrote anything at all. but i simply do not have the capacity to write more, let alone to be profound, so here i sign off. until next week!

xo,

R