it’s 5:42 and i’m sitting at my desk wondering what i’ll write about this week. the birthday came and went and i was engulfed in love and practicing acceptance of it all. receiving praise and gifts and extraordinary love feels so justified on your birthday, and my work now that the special day is over is to equate the birthday love i received to the kind of love i am surrounded by all year. i felt immensely appreciated by and appreciative of the communities to which i contribute, especially with the students at school.
25 feels the same as any other new age. i don’t feel 25 in the same way i didn’t feel 24. but the threshold of a new year for me has been crossed! and i’m excited. it came at a perfect time. i want to share the poem claire sent:
LOVE AFTER LOVE – Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your own life.
more apropos words could not have been chosen. i can love again the stranger who was my self. c mentioned something else in terms of my latest writing, she said: embarrassment doesn’t have to come with accompanying shame. i want to explore this more, to acknowledge the feeling of embarrassment and simply let it lie, maybe blush over it a little bit, ideally just laugh it off.
today was a balanced one emotionally. i’ve been trying to keep better track of high highs and low lows, just as an attempt to neutralize the scale when i’m leaning too far into a particular emotion. i’ve realized that extremes come too easily on both the positive and negative end; it’s far too easy to fall deep into a negative spiral and easier than that to lean too far into euphoria. there were moments this morning where i caught myself with a half-empty glass. i always have a difficult time staying present and staying grateful on mornings when i’ve had to say goodbye to sam, as i did today.
my cup overflows when we are together. it is some of the greatest quality time i’ve ever experienced. when we part and return to our distances i tend to focus on being without. doing so makes everything i do without sam feel lacking. today, when i caught myself wondering how to speed up time until i could see him again, i sat with it for a little bit. wasn’t a big fan of the way it took me out of the classroom. i don’t want to feel half-present, like there’s somewhere else i’d rather be. we’ve talked before about the importance of maintaining individual happiness in a relationship in order to sustain our love while we’re apart. i focused on this today. instead of lamenting the end of another incredible weekend spent together, i focused on how lovely it would be to extend the energy i receive from being with s into the parts of my life he doesn’t occupy.
it’s the final week of school before christmas break, and my fifth week of teaching first grade. i’m proud of what we’ve done so far, mostly just the bonds i’ve been able to form with the kids, and the way they trust me now. i’m still finding my footing. i still waffle every single day on whether or not this is a career i want to remain in. for every failure, there are at least three tiny victories to celebrate. i love getting to watch their personalities and interests form, i love that they can still identify knowledge as power when the things they are learning are so crucial to their daily existence–the reading, the writing, the sharing. i feel like kids age out of this concept at some point between middle and high school.
i’m also surprised at the way i’ve been able to find my footing. starting off this week successfully was major, all of the kids finished their seat work and i was able to get through math, spelling, reading, and CT groups with only a few adversities. math was the most frustrating part of my day and will surely continue to be. they’re supposed to learn how to read an analog clock. 4 of them get it and 3 of them are entirely perplexed. it’s 49:12! i again recognized their inability to understand as my failure to teach, which i know does not align, but in doing so i became much more frustrated than necessary. caitlin reminded me that in this day and age kids don’t really need to know how to read a clock.
i’m learning to be flexible in understanding i have little control over the day. so much of their learning is contingent upon the first hour of their day, and whether or not they’re having a good day that allows them to feel uplifted and empowered, or a bad one that leaves them feeling isolated and frustrated and emotional. it’s wild watching their emotional processes take shape. i’m always guessing at whatever timid feeling is hiding behind the bolder outburst of anger or tears. getting to observe angie has helped me to recognize that this job is most sustainable when you focus on the victories, however small they may be. this seems like such obvious advice for every job that it almost feels trite to write it like that. i used to get so frustrated in writing to feel that i’d reached something so profound that turns out to be a simple adage we’ve all seen before. but we all arrive at different times!
the meditation i chose this evening was on letting be. i like the idea of letting be as opposed to letting go. (i say this as somebody who is Bad At Letting Go). i always catch myself with my hands clasped during meditation, like i’m holding my hand through it. i’m really happy that i’ve committed to doing them. on the first day it maybe felt like a last resort, but today it felt like a welcomed moment of pause. i even reached a point within it where i had no thoughts floating by–normally meditation is accompanied by all of my background thoughts–and it felt really cool to reach this new space in my brain. for a few seconds i was just a girl sitting crosslegged in bed, breathing. then i was very much me again, and thinking about all kinds of things but doing so in an extremely passive manner.
and every time i am struck with admiration at the act of caring which delivered me these meditations to begin with. sam’s disclosure to his parents about my state of being and the subsequent exchange of the meditations still feels like such a tremendously thoughtful gift to me in a way i cannot explain. i think this feeling of gratitude augments each time i practice listening to my thoughts. i cannot believe i’ve been given the opportunity to be loved the way that he loves me, to see myself in the way that he sees me. i have a feeling that many of these weekly pieces of writing will consist of similar sentiments.
i became extremely overwhelmed in going through my calendar for the next three weeks. my three weeks of nothingness filled up much more quickly than i’d realized, and there are conflicts between Things I Really Want To Do, so i’m trying to remind myself that it’s exciting to have a full schedule, and that i’m lucky to have so many options i’m excited about. there are also the Things I Really Need To Do, which i’m less excited about. i’m hoping i don’t get too caught up in feeling like i’ve not got enough time.
as far as anything i’ve learned in the past week Now That I’m 25:
- i’m loved immensely, and i have a bottomless amount of love to give in return
- sometimes just observing a feeling is better than interacting with it
- deep breathing never hurts
- drinking less feels good, being present feels better
- not every day will be Good! and that’s okay!
a finished week two piece! i’m excited about this. i wonder what i’ll write about next week. it would be cool to contribute to these pieces throughout the week and culminate them on mondays, instead of just sitting down to stab the whole thing on one day. maybe i’ll try it. maybe i also won’t!
see you next week : )
R
loose change 
Leave a comment