loose change

I can’t believe it’s already april, and nearly a week into it. I feel like I’m watching myself from above, hurtling through life/space toward the unknowable future that feels bigger and more unpredictable by the minute. but today I’m especially future oriented and I’m happy about it; I forgot how good it feels to give yourself things to look forward to.

today’s a Tuesday, my class day, I had all three of them back-to-back and coincidentally start working again tonight. I also forgot how much happier I am when I’m busy. walking around campus today felt weird–the weirdness has been fermenting for a while but today it was in full effect. I felt like an historical specimen under intensive study for posterity, but I’m the one studying myself. my days of undergrad are so numbered now that each one feels extremely consequential, this is your last chance to be remembered for this or that or this is how you spent your time at college, and today it’s me walking .5 miles home because I forgot to put on deodorant and then turning around and walking .5 miles back to school so that I can get a slice of pizza and a cider before work.

multiple things have been happening and in no significant order this is what’s been up: 1. i caught a whiff of high school the other day on my walk about town, I smelled what suffield used to smell like in the spring, that liberation, the youth, the grass so so green, the music in the air, the warm wind, the sweet smell of spring. spring smells sweet regardless of how overplayed the words are. but to catch some of that east coast sweet was like no other. 2. I felt like I was walking the same path I walked in the spring of 2019–making my way to the Carson volleyball courts or going to meet akayla at Roma–not just the same path but the same steps, like I was actually me but 20 year old me, organized and busy and happy. 3. I ran into Garrett in the pizza place and realized I’m so elated every time I see him because he’s a landmark for me, a reminder that I’ve been here for these four years, a reminder that I can make friends in college, he knew who I was four years ago and he sees who I am now–a postmark of my own growth. of course he always looks exactly the same, and I wonder if I do, to him, too. 4. I bought my tickets for big thief and I signed up for a 10k! paying more than my share in ticketing fees but investing in future me in a way I’m sure I won’t regret. in a more short term but similar sense I penciled in a trip to visit faye in Salem on the fifteenth which I am so thrilled about. sometimes I really think the way to really go about life and happiness is just to plan in advance.

I know that these feelings of intro- and retrospection are only going to escalate in the coming weeks and it feels crazy. I’ve never been on such a precipice. I’ve spent so much of the past two years downplaying the idea of college, the inaccessibility of the college experience, I hate it, but I understand why we talk about it the way we do. I’m thinking about Marina Keegan. I’m older than she was when she died. and you wonder about her death and about her life, the things she had left to say, to experience, the things she hadn’t experienced. I’m imminently entering the void of Things She Had Left to Experience, if I make it until then, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned that but I don’t know any of us have. at least I don’t think most of us are concerned with whether or not we’ve earned it because most of us feel choiceless in the matter. I didn’t ask to be here and I’m not willing myself not to be here, I’m doing the best I can do. Marina Keegan was doing the best she could do. maybe we’re all doing the best we can do. and we can all always do better.

I just can’t believe it’s April. and it’s April fifth, practically April sixth at this point, I had no say in the matter. but I’m happy today because I’ve got things to look forward to.